Are you caught in a Pursue-Withdraw Dynamic in your relationship? If so, you’re not alone. The Pursue-Withdraw dynamic is a common emotional cycle at the core of many, if not most couples conflicts. It happens when:
One partner makes an attempt at connecting or addressing issues, but does it through a protective strategy of criticism, protest, complaints, or talking through intense emotions.
The other partner feels overwhelmed, hurt or inadequate, and they either emotionally withdraw, or emotionally defend themselves.
This (often unconscious) cycle then usually continues to escalate (pursue ->withdraw/defend -> pursue -> withdraw/defend) until there’s either a mutual explosion, or a mutual withdrawal.
Both partners are left hurt and feel less like opening up and being vulnerable with each other. The irony is what’s needed is to actually be vulnerable with each other. Emotional vulnerability is at the core of relationship connection and growth.
If you notice this dynamic in your partnership, here are 4 steps you can take to shift the Pursue-Withdraw relationship cycle.
1) Identify your core conflicts as a couple. In these conversations, are you typically the Pursuer or the Withdrawer? Or do you do both? Sometimes we can alternate roles in the same conversation.
2) Be compassionate with yourself as you look your pattern. Both of these strategies stem from unmet attachment needs that can go back to our childhood, or in earlier relationships. They are protective strategies that parts of you learned to try and keep you emotionally safe. We change these patterns through being gentle with ourselves for where the pattern comes from, but being firm with ourselves with holding a new intention for change moving forward.
3) If you notice you take on the Pursuer (also known as the Protester) role, reflect on how you pursue. Do you criticize and complain? Instead, try “soft starts” to conversations. Get clear on what needs you would like to be met. Try checking in with your partner on a good time to talk. Then lead with vulnerability and say what you’re hoping for with a soft tone of voice and open body language. Stay in “I” language and talk about what you need.
4) If you notice you take on the Withdrawer (also known as the Defender) role, reflect on how you protect yourself. Do you tend to pull away, or defend? Instead, lean in, but express you need a softer start from your partner in order to be able to respond. Ask your partner to talk about their needs and ask them to stay in “I” language so you can understand what’s going on for them. Then, express your needs as well.
The key is to build awareness together to recognize the dynamic as the problem, rather than blaming each other. When you notice you’re caught in the cycle, pause. Explicitly name the dynamic. Say: “we’re in the cycle again!” and try a different response. Over time, responding rather than reacting shifts the pattern from protection to vulnerability.
Do you want further support in shifting this pattern? We would love to help. Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy is designed to address this common dynamic and help you and your partner shift out of this cycle into a new, healthy one where you both can feel safe to engage and connect again. Reach out to explore how we can support you.