Why do emotionally charged conversations escalate into fights? Because we often try to talk or negotiate without co-regulating first.
Co-regulation is where two people can calm and balance each other’s nervous systems when communicating, creating a positive feedback loop of feeling safe and connected. It’s skillful body-to-body communication.
Co-regulation is essential to prevent conversations or arguments from turning into distressing fights. Conflict is healthy and generative if we can stay safe and connected; it’s destructive if it turns into feeling unsafe or like there’s a rupture in the relationship.
When we can soothe each other’s nervous systems throughout a conversation, understanding and negotiation of both people’s differing contexts and needs become possible.
If we don’t co-regulate, our bodies build up the charge and tension of intense emotions. We then tend to speak through our emotions, and the other person’s nervous system will react, creating a negative feedback loop of defensiveness.
If you’d like to practice your co-regulation skills, here are some tips to try:
Before co-regulating, practice self-regulation:
Feel your body’s connection with the ground
Put a hand over your heart and belly and apply gently pressure
Exhale slowly like you’re breathing through a straw
Notice your own body’s reactivity levels: if you’re feeling too distressed to communicate, take a time out and self regulate more
Try co-regulating when you’re below a 2/10 of nervous system reactivity
Remember - the goal is to be a co-regulating team and create a felt sense of safety while still making a case for your side
When co-regulating:
Move towards your partner in a friendly way; signal safe engagement
Face your palms up and reach hands out in a gesture of connection
Use a gentle, soothing voice to talk
Make and maintain eye contact with a soft, relaxed gaze
Hold hands and look into each other’s faces and smile
Use light touch or gentle stroking on each other’s arms or shoulders
Lean on each other or hold each other while talking
Use “I” language, not “you” language (define yourself, not the other person)
Be patient and keep signalling safety and friendliness again, again and again until safety starts to be felt.
Be very, very persistent. Co-regulation happens when we prioritize the goal of safety and soothing before anything else.
Our quick “war brains”, evolutionarily designed to keep us safe by reacting, will convince us that we need to react. Our slower “love brains” need repetition of soothing moments to finally feel safe.
When we get reactive, we also often miss our partner’s attempts to co-regulate. We may think we need large signals or grand gestures to feel safe, but usually co-regulation is actually more subtle. Slow down and notice when co-regulation is offered: a smile, a tilt of the head, a softer tone.
If reactivity happens, take another time out and self-regulate before trying again! Try to be gentle on yourself and the other person - having a nervous system that’s designed to react to keep you safe is challenging. Co-regulation takes practice, patience, and the willingness to fail again and again until we get it right.
Remember: co-regulate with safe non-verbal communication before, during and after verbal communication. Soothe the body first, words second.