If we want attuned and close relationships, we have to be willing to take responsibility for both our intention and our impact.
The practice is to compassionately look at how someone else is affected by how we’re showing up. It doesn’t mean getting overtaken by guilt if we’re unskillful, but to be gentle with ourselves and keep adjusting and learning.
The easiest way to tell what our impact is? Just ask the other person. “How are you feeling? How is what I’m saying or doing landing with you?” Listen to the answer with not only your mind but your body as well - look, feel and sense the response. Paying attention with our whole being is how we start to cultivate attunement.
It’s also natural for our first reaction to be to defend our intention, rather than caring for the impact. Often we don’t mean to upset or trigger people, but of course it happens. We’re imperfect, we’re unskillful, we come from different contexts - all these factors create friction sometimes.
Personally, I have a pretty firey and excitable personality. It doesn’t come out fully when I’m being a therapist and I have the time and space to be attuned; but my partner can tell you it exists and can aggravate him if he’s not on the same wavelength or if I’m not being mindful! So in my close relationships I’ve learned I usually need to take responsibility for my impact before my intention. Rather than “Oh, I didn’t mean to come across that way,” I try to move towards “What’s happening for you?” first.
If we’re getting blamed for our intention when it was coming from a good place, it can be tricky to not go to a place of defensiveness, as it’s natural to want to protect our integrity. But when we care for impact first, the other person’s nervous system relaxes; we can come back into a feeling of safe relationality together; and then it’s easier to explain our intention afterwards when they’re ready to hear. We can also set boundaries around blame, and request curiosity next time.
What’s your patterning around taking responsibility for intention or impact in relationships? What’s the patterning of the people around you? If this is a message that would help you and your loved ones cultivate attunement, I invite you to share it with them!