A core principle of a healthy, securely attached relationship is mutuality. Mutuality is the rule of “it has to be good for me AND you.”
Practicing mutuality is crucial with the big decisions in relationship. What may be less obvious but just as important, however, is acting with mutuality in the small interactions. Each time we engage with each other, can we try to do it in a way that’s good for me and you?
It’s challenging because the little, daily interactions are subtle but complex, and happen hundreds of times each day.
For example, conflict commonly happens when partners come home from work and trigger each other. Has this happened to you - barely a minute has gone by before one or both of you is frustrated and upset?
Here’s a mutuality practice to create daily interactions that are good for both you and your partner/friend/colleague/family:
1. Check in with yourself and get clear on your emotional, mental and physical state, and your needs and capacity before you interact.
2. Don’t expect that the two of you have the same capacity or needs.
3. When you meet, clearly communicate where you’re at internally, and invite the other person to do the same. Clarify capacity and needs for both people.
4. Talk about and negotiate how you’re going to engage in a way that is good for both of you before you engage.
Adopting a mutuality mindset builds safety and trust. Talk about mutuality in your relationships and frequently ask the question: “what does it look like if both of us get cared for?” Be proactive about creating moments that work for both of you.
